Looking for Love Read online

  Chapter Eight

  “We have to think of some way to get Ross back here,” Ella said to Carol the following evening. She sat on her desk, her insides tied in knots. Maybe Carol visiting her and chatting about The Album would get her mind off how awful she felt.

  “Why?” Carol paged through the blank album wistfully.

  Ella wondered if she really did have a man she wanted to try opposite her picture but she never asked.

  “For Pauline, of course.”

  “You really shouldn’t interfere. As much as you like happily-ever-afters.”

  Of course, Carol didn’t need to know exactly what was prompting her to bring Ross over. She didn’t even want to face up to the dark and disturbing direction her emotions were going.

  “I still have my doubts about happily-ever-afters. One of my clients is unmatchable. Another one matches every single guy on file except for ‘him.’ Now how do I choose which one is best? I’ve studied each picture story of her life with each different guy so many times, I almost know them off by heart. I’m telling you, those album pages are getting so worn. What if they tear or break? What will I do, then?”

  Carol toyed with a page between her finger and thumb. “Feels pretty sturdy to me. I wonder how old this book is. Have you found out why your uncle sent it to you?”

  “Great-uncle. No, I’ve been too busy.” Too swept up in confusion. She’d even cancelled the date with Dirk for Sunday night. “It could be something to do with his sister—my gran—as we’ve corresponded a lot over the years. She’s very approachable and easy to talk to, or rather should I say, write to. And I appreciate still getting snail mail. Nothing like receiving a pretty envelope in the post with her old-fashioned swirly writing on it and inside it. It always kind of smells of her—that rose petal, talcum-powdery smell.”

  Carol laughed. “I don’t think I’ve received a genuine letter in years. Maybe your gran told him something about you.”

  “What, though? That I used to like matchmaking my friends in school? Not exactly reason enough to entrust me with The Album.”

  “I’d be curious to know. Why don’t you write her and ask her?”

  “I should, I suppose. I haven’t written to her in months. It’s bad. I hope she’s okay.”

  Ella’s heart squeezed. How many times had Gran helped her through her difficult times but she hadn’t said much, except for a brief phone call, even though Gran’s brother Uncle Stan had passed away? Was she coping with her grief? Ella slumped her head onto her palms, digging her elbows into the desk. Sometimes, she could be so self-absorbed. And busy. And exhausted.

  “I think I need to take a break from the business for a weekend. Go away. I’m so tired and I’ve only been running it for two months.” She sat up straight. “I know. I’ll visit Granny in Mpumalanga. Surprise her.”

  Carol smiled. “Good idea. Now tell me, will you let me put a photo in The Album? I know we said—” She frowned and dipped her gaze.

  Not often that Carol appeared embarrassed. Ella loved her vulnerability and honesty.

  “Of course, I’d love to. Who?” Her heart hammered with excitement. Maybe this time, Carol would find the love of her life.

  “He’s been a family friend for so long. I’ve always wondered about him. I only see him every couple of years but he catches my eye every time. Cliff has such a way about him—controlled and self-assured, yet warm and friendly. I’ve befriended him on social media in recent months and discovered he actually lives here in Richards Bay. I printed off a photo of him to bring here. I know we said we wouldn’t put our pictures in, but why not? It’s not like we’re not supporting you by making use of The Album’s magic.”

  “Of course. I thought it was a silly idea, anyway. I want to help my friends find love.”

  “Andrea came up with the idea. She thought we may go crazy and want to try out dozens of men and then distract you from the business.”

  Ella nodded. “She has a point, but right now, I wish I hadn’t started it straight away as a business—just used it to help people out but we couldn’t see how to do that in a controlled way. But you three ladies are my best friends and I don’t care how many pictures you want to try. If it speeds up the time in finding true love, why not?”

  “Well, here goes.” She handed Ella a printed out black and white photo—a bit blurry but you could make out his features.

  Ella pencilled in their names and pressed the photos onto the page, waiting for the usual jolt of power and suck in. Carol watched, her face pinched with tension or was it hope against hope?

  Once the magic had eased and only a few misty splotches of light remained, she opened up the first couple of pages. Then her heart stilled. Her tongue went dry and her stomach clenched.

  She didn’t want to know Carol’s future. What if she died prematurely? What if one of her kids ended up a delinquent? Maybe Carol wouldn’t choose the future with Clifford, but what if she did? And then Ella would know all this about her life. Would she warn her friend that her son would commit a crime one day? That she would die of cancer in her late forties? That her husband would become a famous painter and sell for millions at the age of thirty-eight? She slammed The Album closed and pressed her hand upon the leathery cover.

  “No.”

  Carol stood opposite her, peering down at the ancient book, her body language revealing her deep need to know.

  “We can’t do this, Carol. I cannot know your future. It’s dangerous. What if you choose Clifford and I’ve seen your whole future? You can’t see it, either. Who wants to know what happens in their life?”

  Carol stumbled back and sat down on the guest’s chair. She covered her eyes with trembling hands. “Good grief, I never thought of it like that. Good thing you stopped me from looking. Prevented yourself from seeing. What if you saw something tragic?”

  “I know. I mean, if something happened to you or one of your kids, it may not have anything to do with the man you chose. It may just be what happens in your future. It’s best The Album remains totally hidden. Andrea was right. Good thing with Pauline, Roan was a totally failure.”

  Carol nodded and stared into space a moment. She probably wished things were different. Ella opened The Album and removed the photos, then rubbed out the pencil markings. She placed the photos down at the far end of her desk and sat down, at a loss on what to say or do.

  For the first time since she’d assumed ownership of The Album, she didn’t want it anymore. There were times it had caused confusion and other times joy, but this time, she was afraid of it.

  Time to visit Gran.

  What if Gran knew nothing about the offending item? Did it really matter? The thing weighing heaviest upon her was the new feelings for Ross. Every time he came near her, a strange tingle would wash over her whole body. So much for pushing him away or insisting they remain friends. She just couldn’t talk about her confusion to any of her friends, especially Pauline. The soft red-head hung on every word he spoke. She now could see why. Ross had so many good qualities. How had she taken them for granted so long?

  Problem—he was her guy friend. Once again, despite the heightened awareness of his body, she still wasn’t sure they could sustain a long-term sexual relationship, and really, he just wasn’t that ideal guy she dreamed about—in so many ways. If someone could read her thoughts, they may think she was so mean and demanding, but really, he wasn’t. This man would sweep her off her feet—take her on a romantic adventure, a happy courtship that would be full of never-to-be-able-to-forget moments. How could she have that with a man she’d known for a large portion of her life? Yes, sexual feelings may come, but romance? With Ross? Or were the two interchangeable? What did she really know? She’d studied up on relationships, but really, there were so many conflicting views.

  Carol stood up and stretched. “I’m going to head on home.”

  “Don’t you want to stay for supper? I’ll make mac and cheese or heat up some left-over potato and leek soup.”

>   Carol smiled. “No, sweetie. I can see you’re yawning away. You need to rest. You have work in the morning. Are you driving up to your gran?”

  “Don’t know. I hate driving long distance. Think I’ll catch a bus or bum a lift off of someone. I haven’t even thought.”

  “You regretting assuming ownership of the book?” She pointed at The Album, untouched for the last few minutes although it needed to match several couples for Ella before she went to bed.

  She shrugged. “In a way.”

  Carol looked down at her warmly. “I’m sorry. I should have listened to Andrea. She has a lot of wisdom.”

  “She does. But she didn’t know this would happen. Anyway, it’s not your fault at all. I just don’t like playing god. I’ve always wanted to match people up but now, it’s got too freaky for my liking. Pity how a dream come true can often turn out different than you planned.”

  “Life’s never straightforward. But you must have gotten it for a reason.”

  She shrugged. She still wasn’t sure about that. Wasn’t sure about anything anymore. Except maybe her girly friendships. Although her one with Pauline stood on shaky ground at present.

  “See you Saturday. Let me know what happens about your traveling plans. If you want, I could drive you up there.”

  “You serious?”

  “I could do with a change of scenery.”

  “I’ll consider it. You’re the best.”

  Carol pooh-ed her and walked out the door. Ella followed her out to lock up the front door behind her and then headed to the kitchen to warm up soup with a slice of buttered toast and cheese sprinkled on top. Armed with some decent autumn nutrition, she went back to her office-slash-conservatory and set to work finding the right man for her ‘popular’ woman who seemed to fit with any guy. What was Jane Thompson’s secret? When she called Jane in once she found her a match, she’d ask her a few pointed questions. Maybe the woman knew just how to treat a man. She probably could learn a couple of tricks. Not that she had anyone to try them on.

  What about Dirk?

  An ache settled in her gut every time she thought of how she’d told him she was too tired the night before to go over to his place. She had a feeling going to his place would be a gaping step forward in their relationship, and since she’d started fantasizing about kissing Ross a second time instead of Dirk, she wasn’t ready to progress any further down the rung of romance with Dirk. Nope, just not right. Sure, she’d been sympathetic to her first client, Bernice, but would do her utmost not to hold two men in her arms at the same time. Pity, because Dirk represented a great possibility of a dream come true.

  If she could somehow process her feelings toward Ross and file them away in a neat little box, then she could jump in head first and partake of Dirk fully.

  Once she’d slotted in Jane and Eddy’s photos, she allowed The Album to do its thing, then watched their lives unfold. Somehow, Jane’s relationship with Eddy seemed more comfortable. They didn’t go on fancy holidays like she did with Juan but they had more photos with family and doing everyday things. Was that a good thing or bad thing? She tried to read into their facial expressions how happy they were, but the more she analysed them, the more confused she got. Did people enjoy exotic holidays and adventures? But being happy doing the mundane together was also vital for long-term satisfaction.

  She let out a long groan. Her cell phone alerted her to a message coming in. Pauline asking if she could come over.

  “Sure, my friend,” she typed, but then the headache that had started developing on her temples just tightened its fists around her head even harder. What did Pauline want? Was it about Ross? She just couldn’t face up to talking about him now.

  Fifteen frustrating minutes later after wasting her time with The Album, Ella was actually pleased to have a visitor so she didn’t have to choose a mate for Jane. She greeted Pauline at the door and decided to sit in the living room instead of being glued to her office for the rest of the night. Jane could wait.

  Pauline sat down and placed her feet up under her like she often did. She always gave the impression she was comfortable wherever she went despite her quietness.

  “How are things?” her friend asked, a fresh smile on her face.

  “Argh, I’m exhausted and very frustrated.”

  “Why?”

  “The stupid album.”

  Pauline raised an eyebrow and waited for some explanation. Ella described her inability to match up Jane Thompson.

  “I don’t know what to suggest.”

  “It’s impossible to choose. Should I pick their names out a hat?”

  “That’s actually quite a good idea.”

  “But what if deep inside, she’d be happier with one man than another? The Album shows success but it doesn’t show internal feelings. Who invented the stupid thing and where did the magic come from?”

  “I’m surprised you didn’t wonder about those things in the beginning.”

  Tingles ran up and down her spine. “I know. For once, my enthusiasm led me to make an impulse decision. Usually, I’m so cautious with big decisions, not small ones.”

  “I like your enthusiasm. I like The Album. Maybe you just need more direction on how to use it. Have you read those books yet?”

  Ella closed her eyes and shook her head. She rested her head into her hands. “I think it’s time I do. Have you?”

  “Only two of them so far. They’re a bit old-fashioned, but they’re good.”

  “I’m just so tired.”

  Pauline showed compassion in her eyes. “Wish I could help you.”

  “Me, too. Only one person can assume ownership. Anyway, you’ve helped me a ton already. I really appreciate it.”

  “About that. I came to talk to you about Ross.”

  Her stomach clenched and the ache in her head intensified. She didn’t want to look Pauline in the eyes but her gaze was immediately drawn to her to try to gauge what she was feeling about the whole complicated situation.

  “Okay. You seem to be getting on well.”

  She put on a cheerful tone but her insides swirled with confusion. Would Pauline say they’d started dating? How would she feel about it? Would it help her finally to let him go or would it only intensify the tentative longings blooming within her? His face remained in her mind’s eye, making her heart squeeze with affection. She never wanted to lose the friendship with him. Wanted him in her life forever. Even if it did mean….

  No! Not that!

  “Yes, we get on well. He’s started to open up and chat with me—like the ice has been broken.”

  “It’s a good thing, right?” She had to assure herself. Didn’t mean he wanted Pauline.

  “But he’s finished the task you gave him so he won’t be back here to work with me.”

  Oh, right. She hadn’t considered that too deeply since he’d said goodbye. She’d been too busy.

  “I could give him more,” she said with a sick churning in her stomach.

  “Just let me finish.” Pauline looked flustered. Unusual for her gentle friend who always belayed a sense of calm. She dropped her gaze down to the floor and let out a painful sigh. “I’ve realised something and it’s not nice.”

  “Oh.” Ella’s voice came out choked. “What’s that?”

  “I don’t actually love him.” Pauline rubbed her chin.

  She didn’t? Oh, how wonderful. Lightness entered her being and the headache eased somewhat. Not totally, though. But no, what do I do now? How do I get over him totally? Pauline was better for him than she. They could have a fresh romance not bogged down with so much history. And pairing them off would force her to cut him off. “What do you mean?”

  “I loved something else.”

  What did she mean? “Someone else?”

  Pauline smiled, easing some of the tension, but certainly not enough. “Not someone else. I loved what I saw between you and Ross. I fell in love with a relationship instead of a person. There’s no way Ross and I could imitate
what you and he share.”

  “You could have something even better.”

  “I loved the interplay between you two, the way he treated you. I fell in love with him because of what he was with you, not because of him as a person.”

  Ella rubbed her aching head and closed her eyes again. She rested her head against the back of the seat and wished Pauline would just come out with it and speak plainly. “I don’t understand.”

  “What’s not to understand? He acts differently with you than he acts with anyone else.”

  “He’s still got to get to know you. We’ve been friends for years. Give him time to warm up.”

  Pauline went quiet, her jaw hard and her eyes set on one point on the floor. “You’re not making this any easier for me, Ella. Do you know how hard it was to come here and open up to you? I could have kept quiet and gone on allowing you to match-make us together. Sure, I’d have enjoyed being close to him—he is attractive—but that would be unfair to him, to both of us. Even to you, if you will just open your eyes and see.”

  Ella didn’t say her thoughts. Didn’t ask all the questions burning in her mind, like how did he act differently? Was Pauline not just being sweet and nice? She allowed her friend to speak even if at a much slower rate than she would have liked.

  “His whole body responds when you enter a room. I can see his face light up, his limbs go on alert, his jaw tightens with a sense of male confidence. He comes alive, El, even despite the way your relationship has been going lately. You should see the way he watches your every movement.”

  “But it’s only been like that recently and you’ve had a crush on him since…I don’t know when.”

  “He’s always treated you with the utmost care. Whenever you’ve had a bad day or needed someone to chat to, hasn’t he always been there for you?”

  “Most of the time. I mean, we’ve gone our separate ways sometimes, especially when we’ve been dating other people.”

  “But, you could come back to him. And he to you?”

  She nodded. “I suppose. That’s what friends are for. Maybe you were just in love with a friendship.”

  Could she be having the same problem? Just in love with a friendship? In love? No way.

  Pauline shrugged. “It hurt. I wanted him to like me. I wanted the same.”

  “It can still happen.” She didn’t sound as eager as she should. Where had all her matchmaking juices fled to? Every faculty in her body and mind seemed to be shutting down. Could anyone be so exhausted? Tears came to her eyes. They lodged there and then slowly slipped down her cheeks. She sniffed to stop the stream from coming out her nose, making Pauline look at her.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I should be comforting you but look at me! I’m sorry, I’m so tired. I can’t even think straight anymore.”

  “Oh, honey.” She came up and sat next to her, placing her small, gentle hand on Ella’s leg. “Take a break from the business for a while. It doesn’t matter if it folds. Not like you need it for your upkeep.”

  “I can’t. I have customers to tend to.”

  “They can wait.”

  “I’m also so confused.”

  “About?”

  “About Ross. About The Album. About life. Everything. I thought The Album was supposed to bring goodness and miracles my way. It’s just brought pain and confusion. I don’t understand it. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. Not working it properly.”

  Pauline didn’t speak; she took her hand and held her. She didn’t have the answers either, but it felt good to have someone care. She leaned her head against Pauline’s shoulder and allowed the tears to flow without stopping them and without thinking too hard.